im in st.leo florida, at st. leo university. the campus is beautiful but the majority of the freshman are nasty and im befriending a select few people. i fucking have the most unbearable sense of grief. i am extremely homesick and i need to seriously get the fuck over this! i miss everyone! i miss lissy,jazzy,erica,dro,danny and even laylow even if we did get into a fight the day before i left. i have my drivers permit now!! &nd not even that makes me happy anymore because i am in the middle of NOWHERE IN FUCKING FLORIDA WITH NO LICENSE AND NO CAR AND YOU SERIOUSLY NEED A CAR HERE TO FREAKIN SURVIVE!!! im in rural town usa and im used to the bigg city. fuck this lifestyle. i wanna leave here. i miss gabriel...a few hours before i left on thursday, i kinda sorta...slept with him..yeah i know! im really fucking stupid! but dammit! i keep fucking up! i hate my life right now. i wanna commit suicide...okay maybe not that far but i hate my life here...i hate this shit sooo much! florida life is different from chicago life and even though i knew this was going to happen, i cannot stand the aching in my stomach right now. i am on my laptop right now and i want to scream!!! i dont think anybody understands how much I NEED TO NOT BE HERE!! i love my city...take me back to my beautiful city...
- Location:::ruraltown(saint leo), florida::
- Mood:
distressed - Music:nothing...need to buy mp3 player asap
&nd did i see him? ooooohhhhh!! yes i fucking did! what the fuck? he and my mom teamed up and surprised me with his presence at my house. i was speechless! omfg..i cannot even voice(write??) how much in shock i was to see him. the thing is, we didnt even argue!! we laughed,joked,and...flirted!!! omfg!
why oh why do i love this boy sooo much? well, he took me out to eat, and we just messed around as if nothing had changed. and then we literally fell asleep in each others arms...no we did not have sex!! he didnt even try. he was so respectful of my space. but omg did it feel so good to hold him again! i leave for college this thursday...and he`s visiting me in florida after the 15th!! OR so he says...omg...what has happened to me? didnt i say i would never see or speak to him again?and here we are acting like the last fucking 2 months never happened? im a fucking idiotic tramp//weakling. shoot me NOW!!!! &nd tonight we`re going to a movie possibly...omg..if any of my friends(especially my guyfriends) found out he was here....
i dont even want to think about it.
what is the matter with me? im a fucking hypocrite// and deserve to die in a hole...a really really dark hole full of snakes...
yeah..snakess sound good.. :/
- Location:::finding that dark hole filled w/snakes :/ ::
- Mood:
confused - Music:bust it baby part2-plies ft.neyo
this is me♥;; no makeup,no games, no lies, no masks, just yesenia. im far from perfect. i curse too much. i have a short temper yet [i only get mad at things that i should get mad at]. im a mess. i have an immense vocabulary however i repetitively use the same words more than others because i feel like it. my cruel addiction to books have offered me an intense imagination. i live in dreams and i want to change my reality. i care too much about worthless things &&have a habit of putting my heart before my [ownlogic&reason]. i have loved to the full extent of the word &nd even though i have to stitch myself back together...but Guess What?[i survived you,boyy;;]
________________________________________
In Loving Memory of Kristin O`Brien♥
Krissy♥ i cant believe that you are gone. we only went to school together for our freshman/sophomore years but i remember how caring and nice you were. you were taken too soon. you will be missed♥ Rest in Peace and realize that all your friends and family miss you,angel♥
________________________________________
June 28th,2008
im backtracking events because i havent blogged& been keeping my journal updated so im going to highlight everything that has been happening♥//
+)June 28th-my best friend laylow`s 19th birthday party!! it was fun. there was liquor &nd people everywhere :DDD. however, the highlight of this night and party was not the party itself but something that happened that im very fucking sick&nd tired of happening whenever we drink. my good friend danny is great when he`s sober but whenever we drink he tries to always get in my pants and he pisses me off with it. i always deny him;; but the bastard said i should sleep with him to get back at gabriel. THIS SET ME OFF;;!! i pushed him away from me &&i kneed him in the stomach. he called me a bunch of shit "&%$#!*". but i didnt care. that was a line that should not have been crossed...uggghhh!!! i get mad even rememebering. so i wont!! &nd move on to the next event...
July 4th i met Jaime`s(my ex&Erica`s cousin) new girlfriend. im sorry if i have not spent alot of time talking about the relationship between me and jaime. One day i will, but this was actually quite a momentous occasion. she was pretty but i could tell that she was uncomfortable around me;;it was common knowledge that jaime had strong feelings for me in the past.but him and lindsay(she has a name;;) look nice together and im quite glad he found his happiness//Now on a seperate note,relating to my relationship problems, i must confess that i have never felt more disheartened yet determined in my life. Gabriel occupies my mind 24/7. he is always there...but now, that must change. i leave for college in 4days!!. i must focus and worry about myself now. i always put him before myself//&nd i gave him the only thing i could offer:me. but it wasn`t enough so now i must force myself to forget him. in time, i will heal. i know that it will be hard &nd my memories will make it even harder. but this must be done. i cant go running to a rebound;;. i have to stand alone for awhile. i was happy before him. i can be happy after him. gabriel does not keep his promises;;but i stick to my word. I`m finished(finally) with being at his beck and call. Gabriel Cruz does not own my heart anymore,in fact, he is simply..forgotten.- Location:::listening to music<3::
- Mood:
determined - Music:ya salam-nancy ajram
i feel like ive abandoned my livejournal//that is not the case at all! ive just been extremely busy and i will come back to it religiously like i used it, its a promise :DDD
i will update on EVERYTHING!! including,gabriel,laylow`s birthday party and LOTS LOTS MORE that has happened in my life in just 6days!!!
heres a few quickie updates till my next entry, i dont have more time to elaborate till latr:
+) me&gabriel are seriously at the same place we always are-NOWHERE!! ughhh
+)my dear classmate Kristine O`Brien died in a car crash-R.I.P♥ u will be truly missed..
+)i leave for college on July 10th!!! eeekkkkk!!!
+)i have a dinner party with my father this tuesday and im nervous...
+)&&lisa is still pregnant...
(im sorry i cant write more but i promise i will fill everything in on my next entry! i feel neglectful lol i miss all of you guys and i will comment on your journals as soon as i can!♥
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!<3333333
- Location:::just saw the movie WANTED!!::
- Mood:
cranky - Music:roll-flo rida feat. sean kingston
A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control.
She is measured by the way her
body curves or doesn't curve,
by where she is flat or straight or round.
She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches
and ages and numbers, by all the outside things
that don't ever add up to who she is on the inside.
And so if a women is to be measured,
let her be measured by the things she can control;
by who she is and who she is trying to become.
Because as every women knows,
measurements are only number
there's a reason why people describe love as being "head over heels." you feel like you're completely turned upside down.
there's the physical stuff- your cheeks getting hot, the flutters in your stomach.
and then there's the mental madness- you feel like you're losing your mind because all you can think about is the way he smells,
how good it feels when he puts his arms around you, or the cute little dimple he gets when he smiles.
when you're with him, there's no other place you'd rather be; when you're not, you can barely wait until you see him again.
love is a total high- better than eating chocolate, acing a test, or scoring the winning goal.
laugh when you can;
apologize when you should;
& let go of what you can't change
you may not end up where you thought you'd be,
but you always end up where you're meant to be.
TODAY: went to the bookstore &nd bought a fantastic book<3 the day before, i went to the library and renewed my library card so i can borrow "Twilight" but the did not have it :( so i got three other books instead. updates on gabriel..well..i dont want to even write about it. he hasn`t called me, but i called him like 17x56 times today. we spoke briefly;in a matter of seconds he shut me down to the size of an ant...i dont want to think about this any longer. its 11:00 at night and i dont even have the willpower to pretend that i dont miss him,even through my writing. petey keeps texting me..hes sooo annoying! i miss gabriel, not petey! i want gabriel to come back to me and renounce his ways once and for all!!! last night i prayed for strength//i hope i get it soon. i think these are the worst days ive experienced since after my father left. thats all i have to say...tomorrow is laylow`s birthday party. hopefully bacardi soothes my soul. my ex jaime and his new girlfriend will most likely be there..how exciting...
- Location:::wanting to shut off my phone till petey leaves me alonee::
- Mood:
blank - Music:no se si fue-arcangel ft. zion
but wait! i give so much more. i would do what you asked,i relented to your advances finally on that cold morning. maybe it was for the worst that i did but i couldn`t deny you. i admit,i wanted you more than i wanted anyone in my life. that morning still burns in my memory and i suffer from the sickness that now i must face. i will compare that morning to the thousand nights with my future. spiral down with me,i beg. i want to know that im not the only one who is burdened by regrets of passionate longing. it was 2am...i repeat to you, 2am. i could not sleep. what was wrong with my mind? today, i heard you. i saw you in the mirror. i waved and smiled but you couldn`t see me. i stoned myself inside walls. you do not deserve me. i heard you today. and how my heart leapt, but you dont deserve me.what a joke! to think..that i can actually overcome such a plight alone. can i rely on the one who wants me now? no. i revolt against him! i want nothing with him. how sad and quaint this fairytale will end. goodbye my prince charming. another six feet down and maybe you`ll see your own malice.
Today: gabriel called me. he played around saying he was in chicago but i think he is actually in texas, with his relatives, away from lisa. i think she did not get the abortion. he is supposed to call me again soon..im not sure if i can hear his voice again tonight. i was harsh..i was a bitch. he was a bitch back.he was careless on the phone and i pretended to be the same, but i wanted to scream some sense into his head and ram a hammer into heart just so he could feel what i was feeling.
but i must behave;;after all, its goodbye. and all goodbyes should be bittersweet when old love is involved
- Location:::dyeing my hair honeybrown::
- Mood:
blah - Music:nothing at all-carlos santana
i was all over the place yesterday-->literally! i had a doctor`s appointment really early in the morning &nd the nurses gave me two shots at the same time! i was freaking out because of my needle-phobia but they made me laugh which relaxed me. they were making fun of me saying why would i scream about two little 1-second shots when i voluntarily subjected myself to 3-minute BIG NEEDLE pain when i went to go get my belly button pierced-->good point! (lol). after the doctor`s, i wanted to see my friend erica for a bit of quality girl time :DDD i went over to her house (but not before spending two hours on the computer w/my mom signing up for FAFSA!! god..i hate that whole money-for-school process..) anyways, "girl time" turned into "the four best friends reunited again" time lol. i didn`t mind it! i hadn`t seen danny in a long time &nd i missed my little shortass buddy:DDD we swam around in erica`s pool &nd ate frozen grapes(yummy!!) then basically just watched movies &nd talked about love,life&sex. typical conversation that always creeps up amongst us. danny shared with me that he cheated again! on his girlfriend. i was overcome with anger and called him a slut &&me and him started talking about why he did it again..he came at me with the whole "i hardly get to see her..". i kind of felt very on the girl`s side because i hardly got to see gabriel &nd i guess thats why he cheated on me..but...still..the pain does not make it any less, whether you see the person or not. Obviously, danny&gabriel are not mature enough mentally to be in relationships with in the first place!...i must text danny that and tell him that sometime, because i don`t want him hurting his lady anymore.heres a few pictures of me and him from yesterday:
laylow then got into the conversation &&asked me if i viewed myself as a slut. i immediatley said no//he then went further and said why did i think danny was &nd i said because he always has all these girls everywhere and he kisses them&does things with them even though he is dating someone. laylow said alright and then caught me up BIG TIME: he reminded me that i was no angel-->i cheated on erica`s cousin Jaime..with Gabriel..I left Jaime for Gabriel back in January... i sat quietly contemplating everything &nd realized that by own definitions i am a "slut". but those were special circumstances..i loved gabriel, even though i was with jaime. i told them that and danny said that he doesnt love his girlfriend but he doesnt want to let her go because she loves him. but is it alright to stay with her for that reason? why was i with jaime when i obviously didn`t love him,but he loved me? did that make it okay to cheat? i guess the ultimate question would be "is there a legitimate excuse for cheating, if the excuse is good&understandable enough?" hmmm...something to contemplate upon...
after our little pool party, i went home//around midnight me&gabriel started talking to me..it was interesting to say the least. he told me was leaving texas Today &nd that in his mind, he has no child. lisa will not get the abortion &nd he cant physically knock her out because that is "illegal".(joke!!;;i would do it for him..stupid broad) he told me that he will not acknowledge the baby, that i shouldn`t either &&just put it out of our minds. i agreed..even though its alot harder for me to do than him. he told me that any kids he has in the future are his true children, not the bastard she carries. he told me that it is a non-entity. "it" does not exist.....well, i feel like it will always exist for me. he did this to himself &nd is walking away. she lost her game. she wanted to trap him;;it was never going to work. i came to the conclusion that i think..i think lisa knows that gabriel does not love her...and that he might possibly love..me?? im not sure..i dont even know if that is true, but she feels it. i know she feels something.
we decided to not talk about it anymore//we laughed and joked with each other. he was hysterical! to say the least..i missed laughing with him. while i was talking to him, i could literally imagine us speaking in person saying the same words..the same things. i could see the way he would be sitting..laying slightly against the headboard with his leg dangling off the side of the bed. i would be sitting across from him with my legs in indian-style(like always)..we`d make fun of each other`s red eyes,acquired from not sleeping &nd i would poke his face. he would then poke me back but softly on my leg..and then i would laugh and call him idiot &nd he`d swiftly reply with dork. during our conversation, he started telling me how he was going to change his number..that he was going to disappear and start over//i knew what he meant because that i was going to do the same thing...he told me that he wasn`t going to give anyone false hope...i should erase the name
...at least for the time being", he finished. i wasn`t in shock. i knew that we had to go our seperate ways. we`ve both been through too much in less than 4 months to just easily mend everything with one phone call. as much as my heart wanted him to stay around,i knew i had to let him go. i have to, for both our sakes. he needs freedom &nd i need some peace, to heal.i asked him "how many times do you think about me in a given day?"..he answered "none of your damn business!". that made me laugh&nd no matter how much i insisted he told me that he would not say..i asked him "do you remember your promise?"..he was quiet for a minute and then spoke perfectly clear"that i would always take care of you..and i am.i promise you again today,i will always take care of you"..aye gaby...honestly, who knows what may happen in the future..but whatever eraser im using to try to take gabriel away from my memories&heart..is hurting me deeper than i thought it would...
- Location:::wishing ii can have starbucks<3 right now::
- Mood:
listless - Music:Lolly POP-Three Siix Mafia
well, im not sure what came over that overstuffed mattress`s head down there in texas but she did the STUPIDEST thing she could possibly do. the bitch literally called my mother(on her own cell phone;;whose # i conveniently have)&nd when my mom picked up, she started giggling &nd then hung up. HA! my mom came into my room &&wanted to know whose number it was. the moment i said lisa, she dialed the number again. the little(did i seriously just call her "little"? ha! i even crack myself up sometimes)girl answered &nd my mom told her OFF!! lisa was a little speechless &nd kept saying she never called her. my mom ended the conversation with "YES YOU DID ASSHOLE!". then clicked!! well, that was not the end of it. lisa texted her saying "I dont know who you and your daughter think you are calling my phone and talking shit but just leave me and gabriel alone!". OMFG! the shit literally hit the fan after that. i was ENRAGED that she would dare lie and then talk to my own MOTHER like that. this bitch was done;;my mother ran into a rage from hell. we called gabriel but his phone died(well..actually not!but i`ll get to that part in the story later..)so then we called back lisa`s number. gabriel picked up the phone &nd gabriel sounded soo...weary&nd tired. i heard it in his voice, as if he didn`t want to be next to lisa at all..i can hear it cause he was actually on our side. lisa then started talking shit to my mom and i grabbed the phone from her and said "fuck you lisa, you stupid bitch! dont you fucking disresepct my mother like that, you want to talk to anybody, you talk to me you fucking whale! dont dare even start shit with MY family! you underestimate the hell out of us!"
my mom was furious! she started yelling obscenities at lisa(heres a few, just to put them all together: my mom told her that she would personally fly down to texas &nd take care of her mouth.//she threatened harrassment&a lawsuit//she even told gabriel that if he doesn`t keep lisa on a leash like the bitch she is, my mom would tell gabriel`s family where he is and WHY he is out there..(as in the baby). gabriel, of course, talked to me &nd said that he was going to take care of everything. i told him i would try to calm my mom down but he said that he didn`t want to stop talking to me like lisa told my mom thru the text message. i was confused..he was whispering and saying that he didn`t want to stop talking to me &&if i could calm my mom down. i told him whatever &&we hung up. afterwards, the plotting began. Now, for all of you who do not know but my mother is a fucking genius! lol. i love her to death! she is a career woman,independent,beautiful,and strong-willed person. my mother is actually very civil,funny and nice.ALL!!!! of my friends adore her! she is someone who teenagers talk to alot because she tells them truth but doesn`t judge them for their actions. she`s an amazing woman. NOW! with that being all said, my mother is NOT ONE TO FUCK WITH!
my mom has contacts EVERYWHERE! she will think of the worst ways to get back at a person//&nd she has! she grew up in a tough neighborhood &nd survived because of her smarts&the style she applied herself to. with that being said, the one thing that you do not mess around with is family. this dumb bitch just did the stupidest thing she could. mess with me...mess with my mother! she called up relatives that i didnt even know we had, that lived in texas..the rest of the story?HAHAHAHA! well..im not going to say. but that girl thinks she knows how to play games,well, we havent even begun playing ours. i know we must sound evil but honestly, this girl...GOD! if only you met her//she hides behind her money but money can`t solve all your problems. she thinks she`s won but she`s the only one that does. and gabriel?..well..she thinks she has him too. but she doesnt. right before her phone call, gabriel &nd me were texting &nd he was also texting my mother(i guess lisa was out of the room). my mom was asking gabriel questions..like what were his intentions with lisa, he said he wanted nothing to do with her and that he wasn`t filling her head up with anything. he said he was depressed &nd regretted everything. my mom asked him if he loved me...he didn`t respond because i think thats when lisa took his phone to see who he was speaking to and copied down the number. he turned off his phone cause he didn`t want her going through it. she then thought that it was my number but instead got my MOTHER!! lol. stupid bitch...now look at the mess you`ve gotten yourself into♥
- Location:::laughing hysterically@her!!::
- Mood:
hyper - Music:quiero mas-camila ft. alexis y fido
i am murdering my heart all over again with this boy. why am i talking to him still? he should be as far away from me as possible..yet, when he gave me a random phone call yesterday my heart leapt when i saw that it was his number..(i had deleted his number from my phone but i know those digits like i know mine;;) i acted casual as i could on the phone but the moment i heard his voice i closed my eyes &nd wished that things could be different.we talked like old friends.. &nd he even mentioned that he read my livejournal(freakin stalker!!:DDD) lol. he made me laugh..o god could that boy make me laugh. not a day went by that he did not put a smile on my face..even if i was crying or we would be in the middle of an argument, he would do or say something that would make me crack up. he knew me so well..but i was so depressed &nd unhappy towards the end..//i know that it was because thats when the lying began,he was such a compulsive liar that it just tore at me when i found out the truth..im still in shock over the whole thing but i am powerless against this. im trying to see myself without him in my future. im trying to just imagine me w/someone else..its harder than people make it out to be. i gave him everything that was me &nd i want "me" back to give to the person im supposed to be with. we played this game i made up with him a long time ago called Questions. its really cute in that you can ask the person whatever question in the world &&they cant lie about it. he told me that he suppressed his emotions for me or for anything good at all, so he did what he did with lisa...i know gabriel. i know that he can hold back all emotion,love,pain,fear,anything. but its going to kill him..i dont think he understands me when i used to tell him that. but suppressing oneself does not make you stronger. it makes you immature&& weaker. he will slowly drift away into himself &nd never return. he will never be happy& i love him too much to let him do that to himself. i know he does not love lisa..but me?? i didn`t bother to ask. a part of me says no..and a part of me says yes. i dont know if gabriel knows what love is..but i want him to feel that with me♥.
this morning he texted me good morning, like the old days...i havent heard a "good morning" from him in a long time. i was kind of harsh because i do not want him to even think i miss him..but i do, i really miss his stupid puertorican//mexican ass!! grr...;;everyone sees it &nd they keep me out of the house as much as possible(like yesterday i stayed at my friend erica`s house for an overnight pool party-->didnt get home till like 5 or 6.)to not think about him. but i cannot help it. he told me yesterday that he felt no hatred for me..but i feel hatred for him. I DO! i hate him..but i hate it more that i am still in love with him..he told me that he was "making improvements" on getting lisa to get the abortion but i didnt discuss his ugly seed with her after that comment. i didnt know what to say,but my head cursed his name and hers for doing this to me. i hate them both..but i hate her more even though i should hate him more. can you believe me? im ashamed of my feelings&&actions. i usually do not let boys walk in&out of my life, im alot stronger than this but dammit Gaby! he knows my mind,body&heart. i cant imagine myself with anybody else..but i have to. i want the real thing;;not lies,deception and unsureness...i wish he could see that i deserve all of that because i know that i am worth it..//
- Location:::listening to music&drinking coffee<3::
- Mood:
numb - Music:ayer la vi-don omar
for the past two days(meaning thursday&friday)ii seriously have not even seen my family or my house. thursday afternoon, erica&&laylow picked my ass up to go hot-tubbing with matt rudd and david b.(awww!! i havent seen david in a long time either!)but those plans went out the door when matt said he still was banned from staying at his crib-o. SOOO instead, we decided to sneak into the movie theater(not that hard at ford city mall;;lol♥)) and go see a movie. we decided upon THE HAPPENING. &nd OMG!! i dont understand why people said it was gayy?!! i freaking loved it! i was fucking jumping everytime something happened(im a big scaredy pants,so what can i say?) &nd this character named Mrs. Jones fucking rocked my world! she was the creepiest character m.night shyalaman(i cant spell his name...) EVER created! wtf? this woman is deranged even before shit happened...anyways, i dont want to give out the whole movie but afterwards, me and my friends were seriously scared to breathe in the parking lot,let alone have a square or two but they did! Jerks♥ then later that night, erica&laylow went home and i went with matt&david to a free improv comedy club in willow springs which is like bufu-land to me cause im a straight up southside chicago city girl. but the comedy club was the SHIIITTT!! omg, i have never laughed so much in my life! these people were brilliant geniuses. and everytime they fucked up, they would say stick my dick in it!(mostly guys would go up there) &nd at first i felt out of my element but it was such an experience. one of my friends, ryan smith was there and on a smoking break we caught up. we didnt leave the club till 1:30am and i didnt get home till about an hour later. the improv nights go down every thursday and its right by jazline`s so im hoping david can come &nd get her and me so we can go regularly from now on...(i would give him gas money;;gas prices are a biiittchhh....)
speaking of jazzyface♥ i was soo happy to see her yesterday!! omg!! i missed my best friend of all best friends! if there is one girl out there that knows me above all others, it is this girl!!(shes the one beside me in the picture above!) i missed her crazy ass,no lie.she moved out to homer glen, illinois(extremely bufu-land from chiitown) &nd i barely get to see her ::tear:: but yesterday she came to the city &nd we went on a spontaneous train ride journey to downtown. we ate some spicy ass ravioli at this little italian cafe that made my tongue pray to God! then we just walked around and reminisced about everything from our past and caught up with everything that was going on in our lives now. jazline was soo upset about the whole gabriel thing that she started texting him but he didnt respond till later on saying stupid overused things like "i fucked up" or "i didnt think it would hurt her" wtf?? who the hell does he think he is to even THINK that fucking some other bitch would not hurt me? omg..this guy does not think because he has no fucking BRAIN! &nd i wanted those genes in my family? ha! now that i look at him more and more with wider eyes, i see him as a dim-witted little monkey who scratches their head trying to solve the puzzle..GRR! disgusting trash.. ANYWAYS! me&jazline wnet back home and stopped at this place called Super Mall which is ghetto as hell &nd i love it! its the most ghetto version of a mall in my life run by nothing but latinos♥ lol. we went to the back of the mall to where the piercings were at(just to watch) and spontaneously i found myself asking for the prices,looking at jazline to see if she agreed with it, and my hand starting signing a little piece of paper that said that i knew what i was getting myself into. HA!! so..in other words..I FINALLY GOT MY BELLY BUTTON PIERCED!!
OMG!! i look soo fucking funny!! lol. i was seriosuly shaking cause of my deathly fear of needles and i know people say that is doesnt hurt but I FELT EVERY INCH OF THIS HUGEASS NEEDLE!!;;no lie..but i closed my eyes and pinched the shit out of the chair (thats why my arms looks so skeletal..eek!)not to mention the fact that there was an audience of teenagers and old women staring at me and yelling out in spanish "DOES IT HURT?"--->this did not help matters! &nd jazline stood by laughing and taking pictures but i got her back because i bet her to get a tattoo next door &nd the crazy girl actually did it! she was sweating bullets before though but she got this cute little tattoo in arabic script saying "peace".
thats her tattoo in the picture on the right i like it even though its like itty bitty small;; well, afterwards we met up with our friends Xavier or senor Javii!! which is what i call him &nd Diana.we had a blast just cruising around &nd listening to music. we saw our friends eli& his sister josie at pasteur park &nd seriously stood at this one section of the park for like 45 minutes telling personal drunken stories of the past lol.((they had this cute as hell chihuahua &nd i wanted to steal it;;ive always wanted one!)) josie told me of a party a block down &nd that we were more than welcome to go but i decided against it (even though her older brother eli was FINEEEE AS HELL!!♥) because jazline had to go home early && i felt guilty going to the party without her because i know she wanted to go too. we went to my house soon after &nd started prank calling her ex-boyfriend Muhammed lol.(funny as hell because my mom got in on it too &nd cursed him out in spanish;;but he didnt get mad when he found out it was us.) jazline then had to go home ::another tear:: &nd i promised to pick her up next week to take her to the comedy club. im all excited for next thursday now!♥:DDDDD
oh! little sidenote!: lisa myspace messaged me saying how her &nd gabriel are going to have a "beautiful baby" on january 11th, 2009. i was fucking staring at my computer screen for a whole minute before responding. i dont know who this bitch thinks she is, but the fucking nerve! fuck that! i want to fly out to texas right the FUCK now! i was soo pissed off(january 11th is three days after my birthday). but i had to calm myself down..this bitch thinks she knows me &nd i had to remind myself that she wants me to get all hyped up. FUCK THAT! i pity her because around that time, gabriel will have his dick somewhere far away from her.
another sidenote! i sent some pictures of lisa to my close relatives(well..my family is very close&when one person fucks with someone in our family,we all get fucked with) &my aunt fucking snapped!! she called gabriel(remember,this boy has been in my life for years..my family knows him personally) &nd left him a voicemail saying i dont know what but when she told me what she did, i couldnt believe it. i fucking love♥ her! but i know gabriel probably wont check his voicemail but still..i hope that boy seriously gets it through his head the massiveness of his error. not to mention his family doesnt know..&nd i think my mom has his mother`s number...hmm...♥
- Location:::staring @my belly<3::
- Mood:
calm - Music:A.Millie-Lil wayne&others
yeahhhh!!! so yesterday i came to the conclusion that i will be going out everyday for the next three weeks until college starts. it was soo amazinggly great to see almost basically everyone that i used to chill with back before gabriel enetered my life(he didnt like me going out-->control freak? yes!!) but i felt like i could breathe again and relax finally. yesterday, my bestie erica(the girl you see in the picture on your right and my bestie laylow(the boy&ericas boyfriend, you see on the right) came to my house &nd literally forced me to go out with them. i was feeling all nonplussed(fav.big word of the day♥) and i didnt feel like doing my hair or getting ready but when she said we were going to visit our friend MATT!! Rudd, i ran into my closet and threw on a cute outfit. Matt Rudd was the coolest white boy i ever met in my life!(lol;;♥) but he fell onto a really bad path last year with drugs and he had to go to rehab for a year. BUT hes out and clean:DDDD &nd we drove all the way to suburbia to go get his ass out of bed. well it just sooo happens me,erica and my little midget friend monica spent like 20 minutes yelling into an empty house(the neighbors were looking at us like "crazy latins!!") and no one was there. we snuck into his backyard and jumped on his MASSIVE trampoline!(i luv those things!) anyways, we left him a note &nd caught up with him like about a half-hour later when he called us at a park. apparently, he was kicked out of his house and he currently had no place to sleep until friday. Good News?--->he stole his parents` oldest bottle of red wine. :DDDD
after missy&her girls had to go, the rest of us all scooted into a pickup truck(extremely tight placements!!) &nd drove to mcdonalds where i saw CESAR!! for the first time in months. i missed him sooo much! we exchanged numbers and i promised to hang out with him this weekend(hopefully yes!;this guy is gorgeous♥)at mcdonalds we basically ate food on nothing but loose quarters&change that we had on us(we`re all broke as hell) &nd had a good time talking & blah blah blah :DDDD. we then dropped off erika b.&nd went to marquette park where we drank red wine underneath the beautiful non-star filled sky that is chicago♥ we left after noticing a police camera and it was funny as hell trying to conceal the bottle from the camera that was already pointed at our direction lol. we left matt at his girl sarah`s house (after he confessed to me that he always thought i was drop-dead gorgeous and that he was always bummed out that i had a boyfriend). I WAS LIKE OMG!!! i was in total shock! i never thought that this boy(this cute blue-eyed boy) liked me. i knew him as my brother for AGES!! wow..no lie, it was a total surprise. Well, my girl erica told him that i was in a fragile state and that i couldn`t be with anybody right now. he told her that his intentions with me were real&pure(AWWW!) and that he wouldn`t hurt me. but im scared that i would do something to hurt him....this made me very sad to think about..
- Location:::downstairs,drinking apple juice<3::
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:bottoms up-keke palmer
&nd this ladies&gentlemen is what you get when you cross-breed with a rhinocerous &nd a sloth. i know.. its not a pretty sight to behold but the doctors insisted that mrs. flynn take her from the hospital(to make room for the real human babies.) in this world, i believe in karma and vindictive ways to reach that karma. i dont give a FUCK about this girl at all. her emotions, her health, nothing// in fact, i want this girl to come up to my face && start something because i SWEAR on my mother`s grave she wouldn`t be standing for long. gabriel is the only man i know that would fuck her(MONEY$$$) because he is a manwhore. so, in that case, he can keep her because she is soo dumb! he will never be faithful to her &nd she will never have his heart. so, in the meantime, i can have my little fun and poke at her blubberyness on my journal all i want! i have the right too!!immaturity is totally acceptable in venting(so says my psychology book lol) its not that i am not a nice girl but the truth is, its been a long time coming for her to get her ass kicked and i know that in the end, it will be me to who does it.SO WHAT UP BITCH??! COME AND GET ME;;(its absoultley hysterical how she tries to pose like me;bitch-->no one can do it like me!)
and just for one more little amusing bit of fun, this is me wearing gabriel`s senior ring. the same ring that she wants him to get back from me OH SOOOO BAD!! she whines to him everyday about how i have it around my neck and she doesn`t. first of all, real gold wasn`t made for cheap trash to wear, i wouldnt want her nasty, pimply skin to tarnish it.now, gabriel told her that i sold it but he knows i have it &nd he`s not asking for it back. but either way, im going to sell my ring because i dont really need it anymore. i just think its funny that she will never get her hands on it:D stupid cow.
[L]isa [F]lynn [K]illa//LFK 4LIFE♥
- Location:::on a cloud:<33
- Mood:
giggly - Music:disturbia-rihanna
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I will marry gabriel. | ||
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After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in orlando in our fabulous Apartment. | ||
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We will have 18 kid(s) together. | ||
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Our family will zoom around in a peach bmw. | ||
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I will spend my days as a model, and live happily ever after. | ||
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sigh, men are douchebags. oh and before i forget-->i have new MYSPACE!! the link is myspace.com/lfk_tilldabitchdies or look me up using my email:yessiebabyy1822@hotmail.com
&&todays blog post was rather lighthearted rather than my previous ones, i must add lol. &nd i updated like supah late last night anyways♥ so cmmnt tht blog too if u wanna:DDD
- Location:wit yo momma<3
- Music:forever-chris brown
on July 11th, two things happen. first off, i will be in st.leo, florida beginning my college orientation process. im nervous as all hell but yet excited at the same time. i cant wait for the change because no matter how much i love chicago, i cant get away from all of the drama that it brings. growing up in the same place with the same people over and over, and especially with all of the gang mess&shit, i just want to focus on nothing but school. im leaving behind everything in my past that i sure as hell do not want to bring into my future. which brings me to the subject of gabriel(when do my blogs ever leave him out?) yet again, for two reasons. one, is the fact that he is one of those things that i am leaving behind and two, because July 11th, is his 19th birthday.
SOOO TODAY... i spoke to gabriel on the phone for the first time since he left for texas. last night lisa used his phone to send me a text message saying that she wanted his high school senior ring that he gave me back in march and i had been wearing around my neck for like 4 months(till about 72 hours ago when i took it off, and put it away.) i texted back in spanish&said i sold it.(lie!!) and i got no text back. i knew it was her cause gabriel never asks what he gives me back, his ring is no different. anyways, he called me today and i must say it was very interesting.he is extremely frustrated,stressed and depressed. lisa`s whole family is behind lisa 100% in her descision to keep the baby. gabriel does not know what to do, all of his tricks and sweet little promises full of lies are not working in his favor. she does not want to go through with the abortion(which costs 425$). he told her that if she keeps the baby, he will not recognize it as his own and that he will pretend the child does not exist and he will disappear forever. lisa does not care because she got what she always wanted: his fucking firstborn child to wave in my face//everyones faces.and the thing is,she lied to him about being on birth control the whole time!! she never was on any fucking contraceptive;;and heres the real funny part. he trusted her word over mine when i told him that i was on birth control.OMFG?? GO FIGURE HUH? KARMA REALLY FUCKED HIM OVER WITH THAT ONE!! well, she could have the little mezcla. that child is seriously going to be one ugly baby and no i am not venting(seriously,you should take a look at that cow. she is ugly beyond belief!!)the only reason he fucked around with her is because she was easy and had money(quoted by him himself &nd in writing). me&gabriel went on the internet together and continued to find more clinics and alternative ways to make her miscarriage(like put herbs or certain vitamins in her coffee or something). i suggested pushing her down a flight of stairs(HOLD UP!now before you get the idea i am cruel, i know the bitch is pregnant but honestly,she is one nasty piece of work. she is a horrible human being, even before gabriel and deserves alot more than what she is getting in this life.)the funny thing is, my mother was screaming into the phone at gabriel while we were talking.
she called him out on all of the things that he did to me and then some. he was soo quiet on the phone and when i asked him what was wrong he said that he was ignoring what my mom was saying and then he got all frustrated because my mom started laughing and saying "CONGRATULATIONS DADDY!! HAHAHAHAHA" LOL. my mom is the shiznit! no lie and it was fucking hilarious to hear gabriel get all stressed out over my mom`s antics. before getting off the phone,me&him discussed us a little. i told him that i could never satisfy him because he was an asshole that needed more than one girl and i deserved more than that. so, i changed my number today and i told him that i was leaving for college in three weeks&that me and him will not be kicks or fuck buddies or anything. he agreed and said he wanted to be free and have a fresh start. i agreed as well and said i needed one too. he told me that he was grateful for md sticking around&& helping him with all of this, even though i didnt have to when i found out the truth. my emotional side took over. i told him what he already knew..that i still loved him but i needed to grow away from him. he wasnt a healthy person to be in a relationship with and i couldnt handle getting mistreated like that again. he didnt really say anything more than "i understand what your going through is hard." hmmmm...so my day was full of me&my mom grocery shopping&gabriel &nd me spending "quality time" on the phone together. not that stressful but i had a dream while asleep in the car that gabriel was going to call me today..and look! he did. another thing we discussed was that maybe...maybe..after college we might start over..as in we. but the tone in his voice indicated unsureness and i was kind of hesistant to admit that i would be counting down the days till i was 22. a part of me doesnt want him at all. i dont want his baggage with lisa to affect my future like it is doing my present.and im hoping there will be someone new by then. but then, i hold onto the hope that he will change&mature when he is older and done with school...&maybe..just maybe...he`ll regret what he has done to me,and come looking for me....its a countdown..//
- Location:daydreaming about florida<33
- Mood: amused
- Music:take a bow-rihanna(dedicated to gabriel)
Yesterday was eventfully long;just to say the least:00 I woke up like extra earlyy to go downtown to the puerto rican parade w/my family. it was really fun and i swelled with puerto rican pride until the worst happened. the thing is, the night before, gabriel called me saying that he had missed his flight to texas. so he was still in puerto rico. his next flight left at 1:20pm yesterday afternoon and we had on and off phone conversations until his plane took off. to put everything simply, he told me that he could not love anyone. and then, me being a fucking idiot and having to know &nd understand EVERYTHING i asked him why he could not be in love with me. he started laughing(which was like a knife wound to the stomach)&nd began putting out my insecurities in list form in my face,as to the reasons why he could not be in love with me. i guess you could say that i was asking for it since i opened my mouth and fucking put myself out there for attack but...i guess you could say whatever, right? im not resorting to apathy to resolve my emotional feelings. but i will block it from now on. in my previous entry i seemed so resolute in my descisions of hating him,didnt i? i even partially convinced myself. however, there are sometimes instances in life that it gets too hard to guard yourself up all the time.my father gave me some pretty good advice this morning about that BUT i will get to that part later in the blog. anyways, after the parade, petey and his mother came all the way from waukegan to go shopping downtown. OMFG!! i really cannnot explain his mother at all. like, she is unbelievably selfish and full of herself. and i know that i should not talk about people in this manner, especially friends` parents but seriously, this woman has people problems.she ignored me most of the time and i could tell there was a racial tension in the air because i was a dark-skinned puerto rican and she was a light-skinned one. i fucking hate people like that but whatever. i wasnt there for her, i was there for petey...
petey you are soo shy!! lol//after his mom went home(mad as hell at petey for staying with me btw:0)me&him traveled around downtown & then since he was from waukegan,i took him to southside chicago(HOLLLA!!♥)&nd showed him a bunch of my old spots from atop the chicago orange line(train)lol. it was hella fun& we took nothing but pictures of me&him,none of where we actually went because we`re dumb like that. then my favorite part of the day was when he met my mother and fell in love with her. all my friends do♥ they just adore her.she`s the greatest mother anyone can count on and even though we have our differences, we seriously have a very strong mother-daughter bond that i will not trade for anything in this world. SOOOO, with me and my mom we took petey to Humboldt Park(where all the boricuas live♥)&nd went to the after-parade festivities&had a blast listening to a live salsa concert &nd drinking "too-much" liquored up pina coladas lol. i bought myself some jewelry &nd petey tried to dance with me to some underground chicago b-boy shit//i was like wtf?? lol. but it was fun,to say the least.petey left for home at like 12:25am on his one-hour train ride to waukegan&i fell asleep at like 2:30.it was amazingg yet..i couldn`t help but sidetrack my mind to gabriel..
dont get me wrong//im not using petey to get over gabriel. i just realized yesterday how much that boy actually does like me&despite my best efforts to do the same, i cant. im grateful my phone died while with him or else i wouldve been looking at it every 20 seconds...thinking if he will contact me while he is out there.omfg!! WHAT THE FUCK?? I WANT TO BE RID OF THIS! yeah..i can scream through typing(lame!!) but wtf?-->honestly, i cant stop feeling knots in my stomach. i write,i read, i talk to my friends,petey..WHAtEVER! it doesnt fucking stop. hes everywhere. literally,hes currently everywhere..with her. i cant stop the anger&nausea that windswepts over my body. this morning, i spoke to my nonexistent father on my front porch. we discussed my trip to puerto rico a week back when i learned the truth(semi, i should say).i told him about what he did to me in a casual way but my father read through it. he told me that i should change my lifestyle of living. "to expect nothing of people,as to not be vulnerable&hurt in the end". is this wise? i mean, at the time i heard it, it felt appealing as hell. i heard it before, but i always saw it as a negativity because then if you lower your expectactions or have none at all, its like you are demeaning your self-worth. as if i will settle for whatever comes my way. im not sure if that is what he wanted me to take it as,but dear god, talking to him made me realize how much i wish he wasnt a playing and cheating bastard &nd fucking stayed with my mom so i could actually have a decent representation of a father. i grew up on nothing but females..emotionally high-strung females. i want some type of apatheticness,at least in small samples. the thing is, gabriel has the same personality as my father..well, not exactly of course, but the similiarites are scary. but my father is changing..i can see it slightly. he wants to connect with his emotions now. its too late i fear, because all of his children(my little bother,me+2more from 2other women when he was younger&before he met my mom)dont want anything to do with him because of the type of user&manipulator that he is. me father is slowly dying..i can sense it. and i pity him greatly because his mistakes when he was younger are now affecting his whole life. that is gabriel in 30 years,i see it before my very eyes. and in 30 years, will i still love him? im not sure. i know i wont forget him and that im still young&hopefully find someone that i will be in love with but i know that i will never forget him.but as for my father,all i can say to you is this:
Happy Fathers Day♥
like every cliche out there,including what humans use to drown themselves away from their problems,i have been suffocating my eardrums&mind in music&books. all i do is read&listen.listen&read. i have been reading my old sociology book from my high school. im looking for answers;;my theories are all my own but based on the psychological&behavorial patterns that i have witnessed and read from many famous sociologists. (wagner springs to my mind). but as for music,im constantly infused with all kinds of different genres. currently,i have been listening to lupe fiasco,jedi mind tricks,immortal technique&jurassic 5. not just songs,their actual albums. my fav. mainstream song right now is from lupe&the chorus for some reason,calms me. i relate to none of the song. my personal endeavors in life does not include becoming a hip hop superstar like the guy in the song,but..i can relate to struggle.everyone can. and the chorus seriously makes me think about other things in my life that i have to work hard at. hip hop could be anything,anything that can save you. to the guy in the song..it was his music that allowed him to be free from living poor. for my neighbor,its his political views that he thinks will set forth and make life better. for my mom, its her career and the love for family. its their hip-hop. whats mine? im not sure yet..but i think it began when i graduated. hip-hop will save my life...- Location:wishing to be in florida;;♥
- Mood:
anxious - Music:hip hop saved my life-lupe fiasco
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